Do you find yourself regretting things you didn’t do or achieve or keeping grudges for past hurts or disappointments?
Do you feel stuck because of this huge weight instead of living with joy and hope?
Many times in our lives we go through situations which may cause us pain and instead of letting go of this pain, we keep it in our heart.
Well, as we keep it in our heart and continue feeding it, instead of lessening the pain it becomes bigger, stronger, and more powerful. It may even control our moods, our interpersonal relationships, and the quality of our lives.
Do you want this to happen? Do you want to perpetuate this feeling in your heart? Or, do you want to let go of past losses and/or regrets? It depends if you want to live a happier life, or if you want to remain stuck, bitter, and upset.
In the guided meditation on forgiveness, I offer at The Center for Transforming Lives to private groups, we enter a peaceful zone where we prepare ourselves to let go of any emotion that disturbs us and embrace joy and peace into our hearts. As we do this, we give ourselves the opportunity to be in control of our emotions and choose what is more beneficial. It is not for the other person (the one who may have hurt us…) it is for us.
As we let go of past grievances or regrets we become a free person with unlimited possibilities.
Do you want to be this person?
Let’s get together for a meditation class and embrace the practice of meditation for a happier, healthier, and more joyful life.
I like to explore the issue of Taking Care of Yourself. In this post I want to elaborate on the issue of caregiving. Some time ago, I was recently interviewed for a TV documentary on caregivers. In that particular case, the program was on Caregiving at the End of Life, but the principles can be applied to any caregiving situation.
The main message has to do with paying attention to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, even if this means asking for help. Being a caregiver myself, I know how necessary it is to have our “me time” in order to recharge and be filled up with beautiful energy. We do not need much time, but it is essential in order to give the best of ourselves. The following suggestions can help you find balance between your role as a caregiver and the other aspects of your life.
First, prioritize. What are the most important issues in your life now? Now, how do you manage your time? Is it too overwhelming? If this is the case, ask for help. Talk to other members of the family, or close relatives, so you can plan some time for your own necessities. Now, let’s talk about your physical needs: Eat a balanced and nutritious diet and do some kind of exercise. This will give you a sense of wellbeing and it also helps as a stress-relief. When possible, get enough sleep. I know that as a caregiver, sometimes it can be challenging, but pay attention to this need, even if this implies asking for respite. Your emotional needs are also important. Share with others how you feel. Write on a journal or record your feelings in a voice recorder. There are also support groups that may be a source of help, but please be careful these support groups do not focus on complaining but on transforming. Lastly, be aware of your spirituality. Meditate, pray, and/or read inspiring books. Engage in activities that can nourish your soul. And above all embrace Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Love. These are the three spiritual tools I have explored in principle III of “The 11 Principles of Transformation®” because I believe that if we do more of these three things….any difficult situation can be transformed into an experience of personal and spiritual growth.
Human Beings Can Alter Their Lives by Altering Their Attitude
-William James
Our attitude is the disposition we have regarding a situation, a person, or life in general. We can have a positive or negative attitude, and this is based on our choice. Nobody is born with an attitude…this is created, developed, and maintained.
If we have a positive attitude we tend to be hopeful, joyful, and focus on solutions. Our thoughts are empowering, creative, and loving.
If we have a negative attitude, we tend to be fearful, bitter and focused on problems. Our attitude can make the difference between staying in bed feeling sorry for ourselves or standing up facing the world with self-assurance.
It may not be easy….but our attitude makes it possible!
Are you aware of the attitude you have in life?
Do you tend to see things in a positive manner (despite encountering difficulties or facing losses) or do you have a negative filter?
Is your focus of attention on problems or do you focus on solutions?
Some time ago, I did the presentation “Your Aptitude Reflects Your Attitude” to an organization that works with the aging population. On this occasion, I told my group to pay attention to how they answered the phone when talking with older adults because our attitude is reflected even in our voice. If they perceived irritation or impatience, most likely they will not call again. Nobody likes to feel unappreciated. If we expect to be treated well, treat others well.
Our attitude has a great effect on people we deal with, but most importantly, it has a enormous effect on ourselves. If we have a good attitude we face situations expecting a beneficial outcome, with power and determination. If we have a negative attitude we face situations with the expectation of encountering problems, and we get annoyed or irritated.
How can our attitude help us when we face a loss? By choosing between being reacting to being responsive. As Zig Ziglar said “It is not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you that makes a difference in your life.” These words give us the freedom to choose. They give us the possibility of becoming a survivor instead of a victim. We may feel sad, still, we feel empowered. We may have pain in our hearts, still have determination in our will. We may long for the loss, still know we are able to embrace life again.
If you suffer, from time to time, of a negative attitude, start doing this exercise to change it:
Sit tall, with your shoulders back and your head erect. Put your smile in your face (even if it is a slight one)and think:
I am able to face this situation. I am able to handle any difficulty I may encounter.
If you want to really feel the difference it makes our body posture, get into a “bad attitude” posture: slump your shoulders, drop your head, and frown your forehead. Do you notice the difference?
Another element that influences our attitude is our inner conversation. Choose messages that expand you, instead of limiting you. The reality is that we are the product of our thoughts.
Now, take a moment to reflect on these three questions. If you are not satisfied with the answer….Change your attitude!
· Which attitude do you choose in life?
· Are you a victim or a survivor?
· Do you dwell on past losses or design a brighter future?
If you responded, you
are not, let me tell you that…we are all writers.
Every single day we
write a page in the book of our lives.
In this article, I want to bring to your
awareness how important it is to pay attention to the actions we take, and we
do not take. As you evaluate the
different areas of your life, take a pause and think:
If I were to come up with a title for the book of my life, what would be the title?
If you want to connect
with your real self at a very deep level, I invite you to start writing a book
about your life. As in all books, you can start by writing the outline to give
you an idea what is important to you. For the prologue, you could ask someone
who knows you very well, to write about you (virtues and defects), and your
life. You want someone who would be
totally honest. You can take it!
Now, you may wonder
how to divide the other parts of the book. Would you go by sections or by
chapters?
What about if you
divide the different sections based on the different dimensions: Physical, social, emotional, and
spiritual? Keep in mind each dimension
has sub-dimensions. How would you consider yourself to be emotionally? How
stable are you? How fulfilled? How happy? Write about the emotions you feel on
a regular basis, and what makes you feel and experience those emotions.
Evaluate the sources of your happiness or the sources of your grief or
frustration. Remember the book is a work
in progress.
What about the
physical dimension? You could divide it
into chapters. You could write about
your health and your lifestyle; exercise; eating habits, and sleeping habits.
Now, let’s explore your social section. You could write different chapters as
well: Your romantic life; interaction
with friends, family, colleagues, even with strangers. Do you pay attention to the needs of others? How real is your relationship with others in
the world?
What about writing a
chapter about your professional life? A
chapter about what you do. Do you love
it or dislike it? Is it your passion? If not, what would you like to do? You can write another chapter about your
finances! How do you manage them?
Finally, what about
your spiritual dimension? In this
section, you could write three different chapters: forgiveness, gratitude, and
love.
Are you easy to
forgive or do you keep grudges in your heart?
Furthermore, do you forgive yourself or do you act as your harshest
judge?
What about gratitude?
Are you grateful? Can you embrace
gratitude even at times when you face huge challenges?
And….what place has
love in your life? Write this chapter
with…all your heart! Do you love
yourself and love others? I am not just
talking about romantic love. I am
talking about the love that comes from the inside out and expands to the rest
of humanity. Keep in mind that… it all
starts with us, as we cannot give what we do not have.
Do you think you can
write this book? Well, remember that you
are already writing it and have written many pages… But, do you know what the
beauty is? You can re-write some of the
content in some of those pages. Then,
when someone picks up the book that is about your life and they start reading
those pages, they will think: This is an amazing writer! I am learning so much about this author who
has so much awareness! I am learning
from his mistakes, and he is inspiring me to be the best that I can be.
It is up to you, how
you want to touch the life of someone when they pick up the book.
We know the tittle of
a book is important, and choose it wisely.
However, what is most
valuable is the content.
We all have a book inside of us, and in case you doubted…You are a Writer!
Whatever you want to achieve in life…follow your dream. Remember to think big, and you will be able to transform your life.
Nothing can stop you but your own mind. Napoleon Hill, in his seminal work, Think and Grow Rich stated: “What the mind can conceive, it can achieve. ” It all starts with having the desire to make it happen.
Martin Luther King said, “I have a Dream” and he carried it on….
So, what is your contribution to this world? How can you become a better person? What is your dream?
Imagine it! Cherish it! See it in your mind and feel it in your heart!
If you face obstacles, do not dismay. Do not allow people to discourage you.
Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your dream, and cheer you up.
People who “coach” you through tough times and cherish your wins. Even small wins count!
Achieving a dream is a process (just like the grieving process); it may take time, but it does not matter. Start taking the first step today.
Even if you are facing a crisis, a difficult time or a loss. You can still dream for a better life because…there is life after a loss, and it is precious.
So, what do you need in order to follow your dream? I have found these values to be of great help:
•Desire (to make it happen!)
•Believe in yourself
•Perseverance
•Self-discipline
•Self-confidence
•Having a high intention (something bigger than you)
•Resilience during challenging times
•Being optimistic
•Being flexible
•Being fearless
So, do not wait for better times to pursue your dream. The time is now!
Your life is finite, and you do not want to waste more time in dreaming what you wish you could be, do, or give.
I wrote this article after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, which happened very close to each other in June 2018. After reading the sad news about the suicide of the Olympic cyclist Kelly Catlin, I wanted to repost it again. The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that every 40 seconds a person dies due to suicide. Death by suicide is epidemic and it is important to talk about it and to look for help when it is needed.
According to the famous suicidologist, Edwin Schneidman, suicide happens when a person is experiencing psychache (psychological pain) which is impossible to bear. In his seminal work, Definition of Suicide, Schneidman stated that the most common emotion a person who is contemplating suicide experiences is hopelessness-helplessness. Taking this valuable information into consideration, we can take a closer and look at what is happening in our society. Based on a recent study of the Centers for Disease and Prevention in Atlanta, in the last two decades suicide has increased more than 30%. Moreover, in The Last Dance, the textbook I used when I taught Death and Dying at Florida International University, it shows that in 2005 there were almost 30,000 suicides a year in the United States. In 2016 the CDC shows there were nearly 45,000 deaths. These statistics show an increase of 50% in 11 years. What is provoking this increase? Who is dying from suicide and how can we prevent it?
This topic is getting a lot of attention after the unfortunate deaths from suicide of two famous people this past week, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. These tragic incidents have promoted discussion about the causes of why people would take their own lives.
The CDC report shows to us that suicide not only happens when the person suffers from a mental health condition. It may occur when the person doesn’t possess the necessary life skills to help them deal with stressful life events such as financial difficulties, job loss, and health issues among others. In older adults, the fact of growing older can also be a cause of suicide. Furthermore, it is increasing among middle-aged men as Martin Daubney points out in his article, Why does no one care when boys fail at school, and middle-aged men kill themselves? Daubney mentions a study in the UK that shows a 40% increase in suicide among middle-aged men in the last five years. In the United States, the highest suicide rate (19.72%) is among adults (45-54 years of age).
It is important to know that suicide is happening on a significant scale and it’s necessary we start having the conversation openly, so we can focus on prevention and awareness. In the seminars I impart nationwide on Transforming Grief and Loss. Helping Your Clients Through Major Life Transitions, where we talk about how to build resilience, suicide is always central to our discussion. Experiencing the loss of purpose and meaning, seems to be a major factor to lose hope for a future, and find suicide as the only way to end a life that is not fulfilling.
Let’s keep in mind that not only adults die from ending their lives, but also adolescents and children. Among the leading causes seem to be a change of schools, peer pressure, and bullying (Grim, 2012). In a recent seminar, a counselor at a university shared with us that 40% of her clients have suicidal ideation.
How can we help
If you know someone who is suicidal, always validate their emotions. Remember that for them their pain may be too huge to handle, and suicide is their only way out. Allow them to talk to you about how they feel instead of diverting the conversation (e.g., you’ll be OK!), and provide support. Please remember not to say others have it worst. Sometimes trying to help, people make those comments, and they do not help much. Instead, provide information about hotlines and direct them to a professional that can help them find ways to cope with their life stressors.
Warning Signs
1. Changes in personality or behavior
2. Giving away possessions
3. Talking about killing themselves or the desire to die
4. Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
5. Isolation
6. Using alcohol or drugs
Risk Factors
1. Feelings or hopelessness
2. Mental disorders
3. Health issues
4. Previous ideation or attempts
5. Substance abuse
6. Financial losses
7. Relationship problems
8. Job loss
9. Isolation and lack of resources
10. Loss of a loved one
11. Lack of purpose or meaning
12. Fear of aging
13. Lack of coping skills
14. History of aggression
Lastly, let’s all keep in mind that understanding what may provoke someone to die from suicide can help increase awareness, participate in suicide prevention, and have an open and compassionate conversation.
Schneidman, Edwin. PhD (1977). Definition of Suicide. Jason Aronson, Inc.: New York, NY.
Grimm, Joe, Ed. (2012). The New Bullying-How social media, social exclusion, laws and suicide have changed our definition of bullying, and what to do about it: Read the Spirit Books and Imprint of David Crumme Media, LLC.: Canton, MA
DeSpelder, Lynne Ann and Albert Lee Strickland (2005). The Last Dance. McGrawHill: New York, NY
