by Ligia Houben | Feb 26, 2025 | Blog US
Grief is not just about losing a loved one—it’s about losing the version of yourself that existed before that loss. The way you saw the world, the way you felt safe, the way you envisioned your future—all of that changes when grief enters your life. But here’s what most people don’t realize: you can reprogram how you experience grief, so it becomes a pathway for transformation rather than endless suffering.
In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), we know that the brain operates like a computer. It runs on programs, many of which are unconscious. When we experience deep grief, our mind often installs programs of pain, regret, guilt, or helplessness. These programs repeat, just like an old software system that keeps crashing.
Step 1: Identify the Grief Program You’re Running
Ask yourself:
What story am I telling myself about this loss?
Am I stuck in a pattern of “I will never be happy again” or “I should have done more”?
Do I believe I can heal, or does part of me resist that idea?
These thoughts create your emotional reality. The more you run them, the more they become automatic. But just like outdated software, they can be updated.
Step 2: Let Go of the Old Identity
When you lose someone, you don’t just grieve them—you grieve who you were when they were alive. This is where many people get stuck. They hold onto their past identity, not realizing that grief is also an initiation into a new version of themselves.
To let go of the old self, try this exercise:
Visualize your old self—the version of you before this loss. Acknowledge what you loved about that version, but also recognize what is no longer serving you.
Thank that version of yourself for getting you this far.
Imagine stepping into a new version of yourself—one who carries the love and memories of your loss but also has the capacity for joy, purpose, and healing.
Step 3: Install a New Program of Meaning and Transformation
Now, let’s rewrite the narrative. Instead of focusing only on what you lost, ask:
How can I honor my loved one through the way I live?
What strengths has this experience awakened in me?
How can I shift my focus from suffering to growth?
Your mind follows where you direct it. The more you focus on meaning, honoring, and transformation, the more your brain will rewire itself to experience grief differently.
Step 4: Embody the New You
Transformation isn’t just about changing thoughts—it’s about changing your emotional state and actions.
Change your posture—grief often makes us physically collapse inward. Open your chest, stand tall, breathe deeply.
Change your language—instead of saying I will never get over this, say I am learning to live with this in a way that honors my love.
Take new actions—introduce rituals, create a way to celebrate their memory, or engage in something meaningful that connects you to life.
Grief as a Gateway to Your Highest Self
You are not meant to be the same person after loss. You are meant to evolve. The pain is real, but so is the potential for growth, healing, and meaning.
If you’ve been running a program of suffering, know that you can rewrite it. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting—it means allowing yourself to transform while carrying love forward.
Who do you choose to become after this loss? That choice is yours.
From my heart to yours,
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Feb 18, 2025 | Blog US
Have you ever felt like your mind is playing the same thoughts over and over again? Like you wake up each day, and the same worries, regrets, or doubts are still there, circling around like they never left? You’re not alone. Research shows that we have between 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day, and what’s amazing according to Sandy Loder, is that 95% of them are the same as the day before. Even more striking, nearly 75% of those thoughts tend to be negative.
It’s like living inside Groundhog Day, the classic film where Bill Murray’s character, Phil Connors, wakes up to the same day over and over again. No matter what he does, the same events, the same frustrations, and the same struggles repeat themselves. And isn’t that exactly what happens in our minds when we’re stuck in grief, stress, or fear? We relive the same thoughts, the same pain, the same “what ifs”—trapped in a loop we don’t know how to escape. Has this happened to you?
But here’s the good news: Just like Phil eventually found a way out, so can we.
Recognizing Your Mental Groundhog Day
Our minds are wired for repetition. Thoughts create neural pathways, and the more we think the same thing, the deeper those pathways become. That’s why when we experience loss, heartbreak, or anxiety, we keep replaying the same painful memories, the same self-doubts, and the same fears. We may repeat questions like these ones:
Why did this happen?
What could I have done differently?
I’ll never feel happy again.
Just like Phil kept waking up to the same alarm and the same small-town routine, our minds keep presenting us with the same mental script. And unless we consciously change something, we’ll stay in that loop. The first step to change the loop is to be aware that we have it.
Breaking the Pattern: How to Wake Up to a New Mental Reality
In Groundhog Day, Phil finally escapes when he stops resisting and starts changing—his actions, his mindset, his response to the same circumstances. Here’s how we can do the same:
1. Become Aware of the Loop
The first step is noticing the pattern. Are you ruminating on the same thoughts every day? Are they helping you, or are they keeping you stuck? Writing them down or practicing mindfulness can make these loops more visible.
2. Shift from Judgment to Awareness
Instead of fighting your thoughts, observe them. Imagine them like clouds passing by—you don’t have to chase them or hold onto them. You can let them drift away.
3. Introduce a New Script
If 95% of our thoughts are the same every day, we need to consciously introduce new ones to break the cycle. Start by asking:
What thought would I rather have today?
What’s one small thing I can do differently?
Affirmations, gratitude practices, or simply redirecting your attention can start shifting those neural pathways.
4. Take Small, Intentional Actions
Phil didn’t escape by doing the same things—he changed his behavior. He learned new skills, connected with people differently, and chose to see his circumstances from a new perspective. We can do the same. If grief or stress has kept you in a cycle of isolation or rumination, take one small action today:
Write a letter to someone you love.
Start a new ritual to honor a loss.
Take five minutes to breathe and reset.
5. Rewire Your Mind Through Transformation
Breaking free from mental repetition isn’t about pretending pain doesn’t exist—it’s about transforming it.
My book, Allow Me to Live My Grief… and Heal from the Inside Out, is for those who feel trapped in their own emotional Groundhog Day. It’s a guide to breaking free from repetitive pain, embracing healing, and stepping into a new way of living.
Your Fresh Start Begins Now
Phil Connors eventually woke up to a brand-new day—not because the world around him changed, but because he did. The same is possible for you. It all starts with us.
If you’re tired of waking up to the same thoughts, the same struggles, the same pain, it’s time to shift. Your mind is powerful, and you have the ability to break the cycle. The question is: What new thought, new action, or new perspective will you choose today?
Because the moment you change, so does your world.
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Feb 7, 2025 | Blog US
Sometimes, life changes us in an instant. We feel that everything is in order, but suddenly, something unexpected shakes us and confronts us with a loss: the death of a loved one, an illness, the loss of a job, a separation. It’s as if someone turned off the light switch and left us in the dark. We find ourselves in an unknown, dark space, not knowing how to move.
Even though we can’t control change, we can decide how to deal with it despite the great pain. We can stay in the dark, or we can look within ourselves for a way to light a new light.
The Impact of Unexpected Change
When we face a loss, our life becomes a blink of an eye. We are no longer the same, even if we would like to remain the same. Fear, sadness, and uncertainty are natural responses. Suddenly, what we know disappears and we are forced to adapt to a different reality.
However, the key is to be aware that change does not have to define us, but that we can define what kind of change it will be, and how we are going to experience it.
Three Steps to Managing Change After a Loss
1. Accepting the New Reality
Acceptance does not mean resignation but rather acknowledging what has happened and allowing ourselves to feel. Only when we accept the present, rather than resist it, can we begin to build the future.
2. Choosing our attitude
Although we can’t control what happens to us, we can always control our response.
We can live with suffering or with an open heart to know what we can learn from ourselves. It all depends on the attitude which we face each day.
3. In the dark, the hardest thing is to take the first step.
Remember that even a small movement brings us closer to the light.
Ask yourself: What action can I take today to start moving forward in my journey?
Lighting our way
It is natural to feel lost after a loss, however little by little, our mind and heart adjust to the new reality. And when we decide to turn on our own light, we discover that within us there has always been the ability to transform pain into growth.
Today, I invite you to reflect:
If your life were a dark room right now, where do you think you can find a switch?
From my heart to yours,
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Jan 22, 2025 | Blog US
The night of January 14th, 2025 was truly something special. Surrounded by the warmth of familiar faces and the interest of new ones, I had the honor of presenting my new book, *Allow Me to Live My Grief… and Heal from the Inside Out*. The room was filled with compassion, love, and a shared desire to understand and transform grief. As I stood before the audience, I couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude for the opportunity to share my journey and, through it, offer hope to others.
This book is not just a collection of words—it’s a piece of my heart. Inspired by the loss of my beloved mother, “Allow Me to Live My Grief…and Heal from the Inside Out” is a guide for those navigating the complex emotions of loss. It is a call to honor our grief, to feel it fully, and to heal from within.
A Personal Journey That Resonates with Many
One story that deeply touched everyone in the room was shared by Chip Corlett. Chip spoke with such raw honesty about losing his beloved Katie. His words reminded us that even in the darkest moments, there is an opportunity to reconnect with love and purpose. It was a powerful moment of connection that left no one unmoved.
Why This Book Matters
“Allow Me to Live My Grief…and Heal from the inside Out” is more than a book; it’s an invitation. It invites you to embrace your pain, to validate your emotions, and to find your own path to healing. It’s not about forgetting those we’ve lost; it’s about discovering how to carry their love with us in a way that empowers us.
If you couldn’t attend the presentation, I want you to know that this book was written for you, too. Whether you are in the depths of grief or seeking to support someone who is, the words within these pages offer a compassionate guide. They remind us all that healing begins when we allow ourselves to feel.
You can watch here Book presentation video
A Moment of Gratitude
As the evening came to a close, I felt overwhelmed by the kindness and support of everyone who attended. The heartfelt conversations, the hugs, and the genuine connection were a beautiful reminder of why I do what I do. Your stories, your courage, and your willingness to embrace the journey of healing inspire me every day.
I’m also deeply grateful to those who have already purchased “Allow Me to Live My Grief…and Heal from the Inside Out.” Hearing how it has touched your lives affirms that this work is making a difference. If you haven’t had the chance to get your copy yet, I encourage you to take this step toward healing and transformation.
Join Me on This Journey
Grief is a deeply personal journey, but it’s not one we have to face alone. Through “Allow Me to Live My Grief…and Heal from the Inside Out,” I hope to walk alongside you, offering tools and insights to help you navigate your path. Together, we can honor our pain, celebrate our memories, and move toward a life filled with hope and purpose. Let this book be your companion as you move from suffering to honoring with love.
To everyone who joined me and to those who will pick up this book in the future, thank you for trusting me to be a part of your journey. May we continue to validate our grief, honor our loved ones, and heal… from the inside out.
From my heart to yours,
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Jan 22, 2025 | Blog US
On January 29, a tragic plane and helicopter collision near Washington, D.C. unfortunately claimed multiple lives, leaving an entire community in shock and grieving. My heart goes out to all the families who lost a loved one
in this tragedy. When such devastating events occur, grief is not just personal—it becomes collective, affecting those beyond the immediate families of the victims. The pain is felt by friends, first responders, and even strangers who are deeply moved by the tragedy. It touches our hearts to know something like this can happen.
We recently experienced another form of collective loss with the California wildfires, which destroyed homes and displaced families. My heart also accompanied all these families in their pain. Though different in nature, both tragedies bring profound grief—not only for the loss of lives but also for the loss of safety, security, and the world as we knew it. The sudden destruction of homes or the unexpected loss of life disrupts our sense of stability, leaving an emotional impact that lingers long after the event.
Understanding Collective Grief
Collective grief magnifies emotions like sadness, fear, and vulnerability, as the pain is mirrored throughout a community. However, these losses are often minimized or invalidated. Comments like “At least you weren’t directly affected” or “You can rebuild” can unintentionally dismiss the depth of grief people feel. When this happens, the mourning becomes disenfranchised, adding isolation to an already painful experience.
I personally understand the depth of such grief. In 1972, when I was 13 years old, an earthquake destroyed my hometown of Managua, Nicaragua, killing over 10,000 people. This was a year after losing my father, I lost my home and the business that had symbolized my family’s stability. These intangible losses—of home, safety, and familiarity—are just as profound as losing a loved one.
When a community faces a devastating tragedy, grief becomes more than an individual experience; it transforms into collective grief. This type of loss profoundly affects everyone who shares the emotional impact of the tragedy. The loss of the sense of security that binds a society leaves an emotional imprint that transcends the personal.
Collective grief amplifies emotions such as sadness, confusion, and vulnerability. This happens because the pain and uncertainty are not faced in isolation but are shared and mirrored by every member of the community.
The Importance of Recognizing Collective Grief
Acknowledging this type of grief is vital, not only for those who experience it directly but also for the collective healing process of the community. Accepting that losses go beyond the tangible allows us to show empathy and support. Validating the feelings of those who have lost their homes, their sense of security, or even the familiar surroundings they knew creates a space where healing is possible.
Moreover, it is essential to understand that healing does not occur in isolation. Connection, compassion, and mutual support are fundamental pillars for rebuilding not only homes but also a shared sense of hope and resilience.
How We Can Support and Heal Together
Validate Losses:
Acknowledge that every loss, whether tangible or intangible, is significant. Listen with empathy and avoid minimizing someone else’s pain.
Foster Community: Create spaces for people to share their stories and find comfort in connecting with others.
Provide Resources: Offer access to emotional support, therapy, and grief groups to help people navigate their losses.
In times of crisis, it is crucial to remember that we are not alone. Recognizing and honoring collective grief not only strengthens those who have suffered direct losses but also unites communities on the path toward rebuilding and hope.
Let us come together to validate these feelings and begin the journey of rebuilding not just our homes but also our shared sense of hope and resilience.
Ligia M. Houben
