Grief is not just about losing a loved one—it’s about losing the version of yourself that existed before that loss. The way you saw the world, the way you felt safe, the way you envisioned your future—all of that changes when grief enters your life. But here’s what most people don’t realize: you can reprogram how you experience grief, so it becomes a pathway for transformation rather than endless suffering.
In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), we know that the brain operates like a computer. It runs on programs, many of which are unconscious. When we experience deep grief, our mind often installs programs of pain, regret, guilt, or helplessness. These programs repeat, just like an old software system that keeps crashing.
Step 1: Identify the Grief Program You’re Running
Ask yourself:
What story am I telling myself about this loss?
Am I stuck in a pattern of “I will never be happy again” or “I should have done more”?
Do I believe I can heal, or does part of me resist that idea?
These thoughts create your emotional reality. The more you run them, the more they become automatic. But just like outdated software, they can be updated.
Step 2: Let Go of the Old Identity
When you lose someone, you don’t just grieve them—you grieve who you were when they were alive. This is where many people get stuck. They hold onto their past identity, not realizing that grief is also an initiation into a new version of themselves.
To let go of the old self, try this exercise:
Visualize your old self—the version of you before this loss. Acknowledge what you loved about that version, but also recognize what is no longer serving you.
Thank that version of yourself for getting you this far.
Imagine stepping into a new version of yourself—one who carries the love and memories of your loss but also has the capacity for joy, purpose, and healing.
Step 3: Install a New Program of Meaning and Transformation
Now, let’s rewrite the narrative. Instead of focusing only on what you lost, ask:
How can I honor my loved one through the way I live?
What strengths has this experience awakened in me?
How can I shift my focus from suffering to growth?
Your mind follows where you direct it. The more you focus on meaning, honoring, and transformation, the more your brain will rewire itself to experience grief differently.
Step 4: Embody the New You
Transformation isn’t just about changing thoughts—it’s about changing your emotional state and actions.
Change your posture—grief often makes us physically collapse inward. Open your chest, stand tall, breathe deeply.
Change your language—instead of saying I will never get over this, say I am learning to live with this in a way that honors my love.
Take new actions—introduce rituals, create a way to celebrate their memory, or engage in something meaningful that connects you to life.
Grief as a Gateway to Your Highest Self
You are not meant to be the same person after loss. You are meant to evolve. The pain is real, but so is the potential for growth, healing, and meaning.
If you’ve been running a program of suffering, know that you can rewrite it. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting—it means allowing yourself to transform while carrying love forward.
Who do you choose to become after this loss? That choice is yours.
From my heart to yours,
Ligia M. Houben
