by Ligia Houben | Jun 7, 2022 | Blog US
Two years ago, you left this earthly plane and your light shines brighter than ever.
How is that possible?
Because your light is a guide in the dark moments.
Because your light is that spark in constant memories.
It is that constant love that persisted to the end in your heart and transcended time and space. That love is the inspiration that moves my heart every day to continue my mission to help those people who like me, have experienced the loss of their loved ones.
That relentless love is the flame that continues to inspire my spirit to bring a message of healing to the grieving souls.
It is for that reason that,
Your light reminds me that love does not end.
Your light is present among the family as a constant source of inspiration, smiles, union, and love.
Your light will be that infinite flame that will never be extinguished.
Your light is a sign that we are more than this body, we are spiritual beings who continue to live in the consciousness of those who love us since love is eternal.
by Ligia Houben | Jun 7, 2022 | Blog US
The Art of Accompanying in Grief
This writing is an excerpt from a Facebook Live I did in Spanish, on June 21, 2020.
Good afternoon, everyone, we are continuing with our Sunday talks at 6pmET, 4 pm Nicaragua time. I always mention Nicaragua in a special way because being Nicaraguan gives me a lot of emotion to connect with the people of my homeland. I welcome you all to this Facebook Live. I had certain weeks of not doing them since I was going through a personal situation, a unique situation. Many of you know that my beloved mother, as I called her, and I will always call her, passed away two weeks ago. It has been something very strong, very hard, very painful. And as I say, grief is moment by moment. That is why I wanted to bring this message today.
Because this message is dedicated to all those people who are grievers, to those people going through the death of a loved one, and it is also addressed to those people who wish to accompany the griever. And I wanted to call this talk “the art of accompanying in grief.” What makes me call it an “art”? Because it’s an art! And as I’ve always told my clients when they’ve faced the loss of a loved one, people maybe tell you things with the best of intentions and you may feel in your heart that they didn’t help you. Why does this happen so often?
As we have said on other occasions, in our Western society we do not like to talk about death or talk about grief. Who likes it? But we all go through it… [that’s why] I wanted to talk about this.
What makes it an art, accompanying others in grief? Always knowing that it is about the other person. It is to accompany. It’s being there. How many times do friends and family members call me and say: “Ligia I’m going to go to a wake, I’m going to go to a funeral, I’m going to go visit someone who lost a loved one, what do I say? I don’t know what to tell them.”
The biggest thing we can do is to be there. Offer our love; to offer our understanding, to give them love, that’s what we need. Sometimes there are words that are said again as I said before, with the best of intentions. Sometimes what we need most is to be allowed to talk, that someone “holds the space” for us.
What the griever needs are to be listened to and understood. That if one wants to scream, let us scream; not to tell us, don’t feel like this, don’t tell us she wouldn’t want to see you like this, or he wouldn’t want to see you like this, don’t tell us you have to be strong… I’ve always said it in seminars, or to my clients: What does it mean to be strong? Does it mean to put on a mask as if we are not feeling anything? Or to be strong is to have the ability to connect with your real feelings and have that spiritual capacity to be able to express them? What does it mean to be strong to you?
I have shared this writing in its entirety in my new book Déjame vivir mi duelo…and heal from the inside out, (Allow Me to Grieve…and Heal from the Inside Out), which will be published in June, just for the second anniversary of my beloved little mother. This fills my heart with joy. At the end of the year, it will be available in English.
by Ligia Houben | May 12, 2022 | Blog US
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
– Aristotle
Is happiness elusive? Is it just impossible to be happy? Happiness is something we all search for; Aristotle said it years ago and we still strive for happiness. Maybe what keeps us from being happy is the concept of happiness, trying to find a general idea that will apply to each one of us.
I do not think it is that way.
Each of us has our concept of happiness and what brings joy to our lives. I am aware we experience losses, we face transitions, and we may think that it is just impossible to be happy. However, pay attention to small doses of joy in simple things if you are going through tough times.
We can find joy in those short moments instead of just focusing on the terrible things happening to us and happening to the world. I will say that is one of the significant factors contributing to our unhappiness. Instead of paying attention to those we still have, we tend to focus and complain about things that we do not have. We may get disillusioned by what we couldn’t get or compare ourselves to others. So, we can always find a source of unhappiness or disappointment.
One of the most significant sources of happiness is our ability to adapt to change. It may require effort and resilience; still, it can make a difference in the quality of our lives. On the other hand, if we pay attention, we may realize that everything changes, including ourselves, and our desire to cling to old ways brings resistance and unhappiness.
Remember, happiness may not be as elusive as you think. As you learn to develop acceptance and resilience, you may discover this the possibility of having inner happiness increases. Focus every day on something that makes you happy. Whether it’s one minute, 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, concentrate on that thought when you are going through tough times. What makes you happy will bring a smile to your face.
It may not change the event happening to you, but it will change how you feel.
by Ligia Houben | Aug 8, 2021 | Blog US
I wish it existed a mailbox to heaven.
And what would I have put in that mailbox?
Mom, today that you would have turned 102 years old, I would have sent you a card, congratulating you on your birthday.
I would have sent you a card expressing the sweetness of mother you were and the great love you gave us.
It would have probably been a religious card that had the image of The Virgin because they were your favorites.,
Possibly, I would also have sent you a package wrapped in gift paper full of hearts or pink roses. In that package, I would have covered in pink tissue paper a blouse like those you loved to wear. I would have also looked for a pink blouse because you looked beautiful in that color.
I would have also sent you a copy of your book. I imagine you would have loved to see it and realize how you have impacted others with your story, with your photos, with your joy of living. Because that is what people have told me. You keep touching hearts through your book.
Mom, I wish I could send you all those things to heaven.
Since this mailbox does not exist, what I can do is, send you a prayer full of love and tell you a Happy Birthday that reaches you in heaven.
Love,
Your cumiche, Ligia del Carmen
by Ligia Houben | May 24, 2021 | Blog US
I want to be alone!
You have probably said these words when you want to have time for yourself and no one to bother you. It is a decision, and you enjoy “your loneliness.”
What happens when the feeling of loneliness takes over you because you have no one by your side?
Is it the same kind of loneliness?
Being alone is the fact that no one is by your side, while loneliness is an emotional state because we express it: I feel alone. Sometimes we think we feel lonely only when we don’t have anyone by our side, but it is not. There are times when we have people around us, and we still feel alone. We can be in a room full of people and feel alone, or sitting on the same sofa with our partner and having that feeling of loneliness. What produces this feeling? It is often born from feeling misunderstood, feeling nobody listens to us, or feeling that we are not important to others. If we feel alone at a party, we may think that we do not fit into the environment and feel different.
When experiencing emotional loneliness, it is crucial to recognize what is happening and analyze how you’re approaching it. Do you contribute in any way to feel that way? What thoughts do you entertain in your mind? Do you allow yourself to engage in a conversation with someone, or do you say to yourself:
“I do not belong here; people don’t like me; I feel out of place.”
If it’s with your partner that you sit down, you can only start conversing with them and exploring different ways to share and communicate with the soul.
If you’re alone because you don’t have anyone by your side, ask yourself what it means. Remember that it all depends on our perception and what we do with our time. If you occupy it in something that can entertain and help you as a person, or you immerse yourself in thoughts such as: “I am so alone”, and do nothing under your control to change this situation.
Here are several activities you can do when you feel lonely that can help you feel better:
Read a book
Writing in a journal
Exercise
Meditation
Talking on the phone
Have a Zoom meeting
Go for a walk
Take a class
See a Netflix series
Paint, color, sculpt
Take a bath
Clean your closet
Write a letter
Cook a new recipe
Sit in your backyard with a cup of coffee or tea
Pray
Reflect
In the present time, due to the pandemic, we have had to modify our activities, which has led to social estrangement. However, we have different ways to maintain this social connection at our disposal so as not to feel so alone. Plan with your friends and family zoom meetings or phone calls, including video calls; you can turn it into a daily or weekly ritual.
It is preferable to do one of these activities that may benefit you, rather than using methods of escapism such as eating or drinking too much; you can choose.
Please take note of all that you can do and at the same time reflect that it is what represents for you to be alone, for what influences how we feel is our perception.
Loneliness is an opportunity to connect with ourselves. As Paolo Coelho says:
Loneliness is not the absence of companionship but the moment when our soul
has the freedom to talk to us and help us decide about our lives.
When you realize that you are your own person and that your value comes from within, you can connect with yourself and be at peace.
Loneliness can be welcomed or represent intense pain in our souls, usually if prolonged. We are social beings, and therefore being alone, especially for a long time, can significantly influence our mental and physical health. According to Donovan et al. (2017), loneliness may impair cognitive function in their study among older adults.
If you feel that loneliness is affecting you negatively, seek professional help because if you leave this feeling unattended, it can become depression and greater isolation.
On the other hand, if you know someone is alone, give them your company. Call them on the phone or visit them if you can. Make them feel like they are important to you. You can also do a type of volunteering by calling people. This type of help exists; you cannot only use it yourself, but you can be a part of it. By providing company to others, we accompany ourselves.
Remember, your life has meaning!
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | May 9, 2021 | Blog US
Today is the first Mother’s Day without you by my side and I have a strange feeling. I feel empty, I feel like if I am missing something. I am missing your presence.
All this week I have lived it with this restless feeling in my heart.
What has made me feel this way if every day I miss having you in my life?
The difference is that the environment has been dedicated to your day.
How can this special day so celebrated and announced be unnoticed?
Flowers, cards, balloons, ornaments… they are all triggers that have reminded me that you’re not by my side and the void feels even deeper.
The difference is that there was no celebration planning, there was no illusion of going to the store to buy you a blouse like the ones you loved; the difference was not to expect this day to arrive with the usual anticipation; The difference was that I was not going to be able to tell you while I was hugging you, “Happy Mother’s Day.”
However, in the midst of all this feeling of sorrow, I remember with great love our last Mother’s Day and my heart rejoices because we were able to enjoy our usual ritual and you enjoyed your red flowers so much; this stayed forever in my heart. I have confirmed that our lives are made of moments, and the life I had by your side, was filled with many moments full of love and joy.
Many of those moments are Mother’s Day memories. This time I give you again this diploma that you kept in your cards’ box, in which I recognize you as the best mother in the world.
Happy Mother’s Day to heaven.
Ligia del Carmen
Tu cumiche.
