by Ligia Houben | Dec 28, 2020 | Blog US
What a joy it is Christmas! These were my mom’s words every time December came. This time of the year had a special magic for her, and she used to look forward to it. My memories go back to my childhood when we lived in Nicaragua. The Christmas tree was silver and decorating it with blue and silver ornaments was a ritual full of excitement between my mother and us, her three daughters. She decorated the entire house with Christmas motifs and put a beautiful nativity scene. My mother kept this unique feeling for the Christmas season all her life and transmitted it to each one of us.
This year, when December was approaching, I felt my heart heavy because I knew that this Christmas would be very different. Like so many of my dear clients who have lost a loved one and it is their first Christmas without them, I found myself dreading the proximity of this holiday. I was not thinking about Thanksgiving because this celebration was not crucial to my mother; I was thinking of Christmas. I was in a swing of emotions, and ambivalent about how to navigate the season. Was I going to ignore it so I would not think about it, or was I going to embrace it and create moments of magic honoring my mother?
I opted for the second possibility because it was what came from my heart. I don’t like to ignore any emotion, because I know that I will have it internally even if I do not want it, which prevents me from processing it and letting go. I decided to face it with an open heart and celebrate it in a different way. I opened my heart to the possibility of welcoming Christmas amid the pain of not having my mother physically by my side. I created rituals with her to have magical moments; moments full of peace; moments dedicated to the meaning of Christmas. Every time my heart felt like crying for not having her by my side, I allowed myself to do so and be sad. However, I didn’t stay there. I would once again fill my soul with her spirit of joy towards this magical time, to continue honoring her.
Finally, December 24 arrived, when we celebrated Christmas Eve with a family dinner. I experienced a mixture of emotions in my heart. I felt a great nostalgia for the physical absence of my mother and, at the same time, a beautiful feeling to be able to share with my family because it was also a way of feeling love, support, and solidarity. In the middle of the celebration, we had a special moment to share how we felt, and I took the opportunity to name my mother in a very emotional way. I wanted to emphasize that even though she was not with us physically, her spirit, like my father’s spirit, would continue to be present in our family because the relationship with our loved ones does not end; it is transformed.
This Christmas was different. I did not hear those words filled with joy; I did not see those sparkling eyes filled with hope and expectation; I did not feel her loving hug. However, my beloved mother was present at every moment. And it was precisely this love, this union, this constant presence, that filled my heart with peace and joy, and I could say from the bottom of my soul, “Have a blessed Christmas!”
I accompany you with my heart if this was also your First Christmas…
Remember, our loved ones live in our hearts.
Love
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Dec 19, 2020 | Blog US
In our lives, we meet people that make a difference. Dr. Howard Winokeur was someone who touched my life in a memorable and meaningful way.
I met Howard when I joined ADEC (the Association for Death, Education, and Counseling) almost 15 years ago. I remember walking in the hallway on my way to a seminar when I saw this gentleman with the most welcoming smile on his face coming my way. He introduced himself, and through his warmth and comfortable presence, he made me feel at home. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship as we kept communication regularly until ten days before his passing. I didn’t know he was sick; therefore, when I read the news through an email from ADEC, my heart froze. I was shocked and numbed. I read the email three times to be able to comprehend what had happened. I could not believe that this man, who just a few days before had told me on the phone he was on his way to a Tennis match, had died. What had happened? He had contracted Covid-19 and took his last breath at home. My heart sank with so many memories coming to my mind and soul.
I remembered his joy and wittiness, his passion for life, and his love for music. I remembered how he played the guitar at ADEC conferences. Through his music, he lifted our spirits and made us cry and laugh. His wittiness was incomparable. He had a unique combination of humor and compassion. I remember that when my mother died six months ago, he called me to hold a loving space for me. We spoke for almost an hour. Just before hanging up, he made a funny and cute comment, and I laughed. He also laughed and said, “now, you can say I made you laugh in the midst of your pain”; this was Howard. He had a way to turn things around with love and care.
As a professional in the field of grief and loss, he was brilliant. 
He wrote several books and was an international presenter. His work was recognized through numerous awards. He embodied the grief professional you want to have next to you: compassionate, caring, loving, and hopeful. Something I loved about him was his desire to lead by example. He talked about self-care, and he paid attention to his needs. He regularly played tennis, meditated, and did Yoga. Every year he fastened for two weeks. He believed in having a balanced life.
When he was ADEC president, we had the annual conference in Miami, Fl, where I reside. This conference was a special one. It was combined with the International Conference on Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society. He was very excited about this event and dedicated himself to make it memorable. We visited different organizations that could support him or be interested in participating. It was a success, and it meant a lot to him.
As a colleague, I trusted him with my heart. When I was a PESI presenter with my seminar Transforming Grief and Loss, I could not deliver my seminar a couple of times due to health issues.
I called him to see if he could support me in presenting on my behalf. He made the time as he knew my 11 Principles of Transformation® were very special to me, and I trusted him with them. He said to me, “I know they are your baby. Don’t worry, just tell me how you want me to present them”; this was typical of Howard. The last time he presented the seminar was in May, and he did it in Zoom, as live seminars were canceled due to the pandemic. I had the pleasure of sharing some time with him at the beginning of the Zoom presentation. The way he introduced me will always stay in my heart.
Howard impacted my life and the lives of the many people he touched through his teachings and his love.
He made a difference in this world and will be missed.
ADEC and the world are grieving this loss; however, his legacy continues touching our hearts.
He is an inspiration for all of us. Howard, you continue living in our hearts!
by Ligia Houben | Nov 30, 2020 | Blog US
If I could have chosen the month in which you were going to die, I would have chosen January because I would have had the whole year until Christmas. But wait, on Feb 14th is when we celebrate Valentine’s Day! Then, what about at the end of February? Neither, because depending on the year, Holy Week is in March or April, that was a very sacred time for us.
At the same time, May would not have been a good month either, because we celebrate Mother’s Day, your special day!
That takes us to June, which is the month when you died. However, I would not have chosen it because the following month is my birthday, and it was excruciating to be without you that day. It could not be in August either, since your birthday was the 8th, and how could we not celebrate another birthday of yours! But wait, in September neither, because it’s my anniversary and you loved to congratulate me.
Not even to consider October, because it is the birthday of your second daughter, Marielena. November? Impossible! my father’s anniversary is on the 11th, and this is a very sacred date for the family; besides, the festivities begin with Thanksgiving Day. December is not an appropriate month neither, as we celebrate the birthday of your eldest daughter, Alicia, La Purísima, and Christmas. Moreover, we start looking forward to the new year.
If I had to choose a month for your death, I would have chosen a name that does not exist in the calendar.
Love
Ligia del Carmen
by Ligia Houben | Nov 23, 2020 | Blog US
You Can Bounce Back After a Loss
In life, everybody faces difficult times, such as losing a loved one, a divorce or break-up, illness, or the loss of a job. As you read these lines, you may identify with one or several of these losses, and although you may feel you won’t be able to overcome the pain and be happy again, you can bounce back after a loss and even thrive on grief.
You can find strength and hope no matter what you are confronting in life. It may take time (it is different for each of us), but it is possible. What matters most is to have faith and believe in your resilience. Yes, you can bounce back after a loss. You just need to look into your inner self to bring up those resources.
I won’t be happy again…
Life is unfair…
Why has this happened to me?
These are some of the thoughts you may entertain at moments of grief, despair, or hopelessness. It is natural to experience these emotions. It only shows you are human. Still, you can choose to dwell on your pain or bounce back after your loss.
I have been so touched by many of my clients who have faced painful situations and thrive on their grief that I wanted to remind you of your possibilities. Moreover, at the present time, I am confronting a huge loss in my own life: I lost my beloved mother five months ago. In the midst of my immense grief and inspired by her love, I have decided to bounce back. Furthermore, I have encountered many losses in the past and have been able to bounce back. It has to do with faith, hope, strength, resilience, and love.
We have valuable resources in our spirit, mind, and heart.
It is up to us if we use them.
Remember, as you transform your loss, you transform your life!
www.the11principlesoftransformation.com
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Oct 14, 2020 | Blog US
Today I missed you. I missed jumping out of bed with the illusion of saying good morning to you.
Today I missed you when I went to Publix and saw the bakery. I remembered how much you liked your doughnut.
Today I missed you when I went to church. I remembered we used to sit on the first row
Today I missed you when I went to Macy’s to get a present and remembered how much you enjoyed going shopping.
Today I missed you when arranging a drawer, I saw the domino box that you enjoyed so much playing.
Today I missed you when I was organizing my necklaces and saw a necklace that you designed.
Today I missed you when I saw the room and saw your empty bed
Today I missed you when I watched your videos and smiled at your wittiness.
Today I missed you when I saw the chair in my living room where you sat when we had our family gatherings.
Today I missed you when I found a piece of paper you had written that I have not seen in years
Today I missed you when the night came and suddenly the house felt so empty
Today I missed you because you were more than my mother, you were my friend. You were my companion. You were my teacher. You were my confidant. You were my reason to be. Because you were part of me.
Today I missed you…what am I saying? I miss you every day not only today because you were the center of my life, and everything gravitated around you.
You were that why. You were that what for, and it did not end with your death.
Your shining light has stayed with me to guide me, to inspire me, and to make me whole again.
Love
Ligia del Carmen
