by Ligia Houben | Aug 14, 2018 | Blog US
Little things are numerous and therefore become important.
Julio C. Martínez A.
As we start a new year let’s choose an attitude that will help us achieve dreams, goals, make changes, and become a better version of ourselves. Only one day takes us from one year to the next, however, psychologically it can have a great impact in our lives. We decide if we want to make it a meaningful year or just another year.
How many times we live life just going through the motions? Sometimes we get involved in minor things that prevent us from focusing on the big things. My father used to say little things are numerous and therefore become important. For some reason, lately I have this thought in my mind and I will live this year inspired by these words. Although “my” new year tends to be on my birthday, I started applying this motto on January 1st. I want to be inspired by his words as one of the things I want to finish is his biography, which has been in the make for some time now. I feel in my heart this is the year to make it happen.
January can be symbolic as it makes us take a closer look to our lives and decide which of the following areas needs improvement: relationships, health, career, finances, personal growth or spirituality. Where are you in these areas? Are you satisfied with all of them? As we start the second week of 2016 have you already started to take action? Research shows that less than 10% achieve their new year’s resolution (http://www.forbes.com/sites/dandiamond/2013/01/01/just-8-of-people-achieve-their-new-years-resolutions-heres-how-they-did-it/ )
What does this show to us? Do people lack commitment or hope for a change without taking action?
If you are one of the later persons don’t despair! You are on time to make it happen as the first step to make a change is to be aware of it. You still have 50 weeks! Isn’t this great? The following steps will help you get closer to achieve what you want in 2016.
Step 1. Feel in your heart the desire to make that change; achieve that goal; become that person you want to be.
Step 2. Decide what you want to achieve and state it in the positive. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, you focus on what you want.
Step 3. Make a plan of action and start right away. Remember the words of my father that little things become important. Little distractions count as well as little wins. Focus on the later.
If you live in Miami and want to make everlasting and meaningful goals join me on Jan 30th at The Center for Transforming Lives, where we will be creating goals with purpose to live a meaningful year.
Many blessings to you and your loved ones in 2016!
Remember…your life has meaning!
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Aug 14, 2018 | Blog US
In this busy world we are living do you ever wonder how your life is evolving? Where are you going?
Where have you been?
The day I do the greatest evaluation of my life is on my birthday, which was a few days ago. As I unwrapped the gift of a new year of life, I felt my heart filled with joy and gratitude. I sat down to reflect on where I have been and where I am going. The main reason I do this exercise is first, to be grateful for the beautiful things that happened in the year, and to make sure I had processed any challenge or loss I may have encountered. Another reason to do this evaluation is to do a balance of my achievements and my mistakes, so I can learn from the mistakes and make an action plan for the year to come.
In this message, I will share with my greatest achievement and my greatest lesson.
This past year was an important year in my professional life, and I am grateful. I joined the PESI (link) family and started presenting nationwide the seminar “Transforming Grief and Loss.” This has been very close to my heart as it is based on the 11 Principles of Transformation® the system I created to help people transform loss into growth. I also wrote a book with the same title, which has also been a source of joy. However, the greatest of my achievements was to finish writing the book about my father’s life. And…what makes it the biggest win? The fact that I have realized once more that our loved ones continue living in our hearts. My greatest purpose has been to immortalize my father’s message in a book.
Now, what about my greatest lesson to learn? It has been, to know how to self-manage. I am not saying to learn time management, but self-management. We all have 24 hours a day, it all depends on what we do with the time. It has to do with being able to prioritize; to evaluate what is important, and what can wait; to learn how to balance our personal and professional life; it is to embrace more me-time and be able to say no. I had a conversation with a client about the challenge we have with having too much to do. It seems we are always in a hurry! If we load our plate with too much food, it can give us the sensation we are “stimuli overload” and at the end, we are not having quality of life. In the seminars I do with PESI, one of the losses we explore is “loss of self” as we get buried under so many roles and responsibilities. At times these roles just happened. Other times, we allow them to happen; even when we are grieving. We may not take the time to grieve because we are too busy.
Because of this realization, my commitment this year is to manage myself in a better way. I want to let go of spending time in minor things and concentrate on what matters most. Life is precious. Life is short. Life is a gift. Therefore, instead of ripping off the paper as I unwrap it, I want to pull out the ribbons and open it in a delicate and loving manner.
How are you opening your gift?
Remember…your life has meaning!
Ligia/18
by Ligia Houben | Jul 11, 2018 | Blog US
Learn how to separate the majors and the minors.
A lot of people don’t do well simply because
they major in minor things.
— Jim Rohn
Our days on this Earth are limited. Although we may avoid thinking about this reality, we are not immortal and our loved ones are not immortal. Are we appreciating every moment of our lives? Are we paying attention to what is important or are we spending too much time on trivialities?
Working with so many people facing life transitions, especially the death of a loved one, I have come to realize many of us live blindfolded just to regret it afterward. It is time we remove the bandage from our eyes and start paying attention to what matters most. The time is now. Let’s not wait until something tragic happens that may force us to change our perspective. The time is now and it may take just a few minor steps to live a more fulfilling life.
As you read this, some things may come to mind. Take a pause and reflect on the following:
What are you doing on a daily basis? Are you expressing your love to your loved ones? Are you sharing time with them? Are you focusing on their qualities and appreciating them, or are you focusing on their shortcomings and complaining about them? Are you doing the things you enjoy doing or do you live thinking “I will do it later”? We do not know what the future will bring…so, if it is under your control, carry on with your dreams and goals, and do it now. You may be aware of the film “The Bucket List” with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Let’s not wait until we are close to the end of our lives to do the things we always wanted to do – let’s do them now.
What about the kind of person you are? Are you satisfied with how you are or do you think “I will change later”… Later may not come and the memories your loved ones will have of you are of who you are now. If you know you should make some changes, like embracing more forgiveness and gratitude in your life or being more humble….do it now. Do not leave it for later. In his book “The Four Things that Matter Most”, Dr. Ira Byock shares with us what are the things people regret not saying more in their lives. In case you haven’t read the book (which I highly recommend!) these things are:
“Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you.”
What about your daily activities? We are living the era of technology, and although the progress has been wonderful, we have paid the price of devoting too much time to emails, texting, or surfing the web (I can identify with this issue and am working on it)! Let’s be more selective about how we spend our time.
Let’s make sure, as Jim Rohn said, that we are not majoring on minor things. This brings to my memory what my father, Julio Martínez used to say, “because minor things are plenty, they become important.”
I know this can be challenging because it is so ingrained in our modern lifestyle, but just by taking few steps and making minor changes we may find ourselves connecting more with people (I mean, really connecting)!, living more in harmony, and knowing that if something happens, then we will have in our hearts peace of mind knowing we lived according to what mattered most.
Remember….your life has meaning!
Have a beautiful day,
Ligia/18
by Ligia Houben | Jul 2, 2018 | Blog US
The word love has only 4 letters, yet it encompasses so much that at times is hard to define. Besides, being an abstract and complex concept, it is not easy to describe it.. In this message, and being this month dedicated to love, I will share with you how I define love. Let’s keep in mind that it is a subjective experience. It is like grief: although it is universal, it is unique; because we are unique.
Love is a feeling that comes from deep within us and gives us that feeling of fulfillment and harmony. In most of the time, when we hear the word love, we think of romantic love. However, love is a feeling that goes beyond romance. It is to surrender; it is to understand; it is to forgive. It is the most powerful emotion ..As we see in the description of St. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians 13: 4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
As human beings, we are not one-dimensional. We have several dimensions, one being the spiritual dimension, which I consider very important. And it is in this dimension that I think love is. In my system The 11 Principles of Transformation®, is one of the tools of Principle III: Develop your spiritual dimension. We are able to get into our inner self and connect to the depths of our being. We can realize that we are beings full of love, what happens is that we forget it sometimes. Sometimes problems do not allow us to express our love. We may be too busy or assume that others know that we love them. What if we express it more? What if we express it not only the beautiful words I love you but with gestures and actions? Love has no limit, that’s the beauty! It seems that the more we love the more our capacity to love increases and expands. Let’s love without fear. Let’s love without reservation. Let’s love with all our being.
When I do my Guided Meditation classes at the Center for Transforming Lives I like to focus on experiencing peace and love, as I believe we are human beings filled with these emotions. We all carry that loving and peaceful inner light as it all starts with us. Loving ourselves does not mean that we are selfish. We are only applying the divine law “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Now, I ask you…
- How do you know you love yourself?
- How do you treat yourself?
- How do you self-talk to yourself?
- How do you evaluate yourself?
Answer to each of these questions and you will be able to evaluate if you are really applying self-love. If you realize you are not really doing it…start now. It is never late to experience and give love.
Love is unconditional … that I have found in my life again and again. And I tell you … the more you open your heart to love, you will let go of any barriers you may have built around you. You will give love because it’s easy; because it’s free; because it is your essence. Embrace it and recognize that it is your nature. Maybe you’ve forgotten it. It is time to recognize it.
Remember…your life has meaning!
by Ligia Houben | Jun 14, 2018 | Blog US
If you feel desperate because you find yourself in a situation where you cannot find a way out, I want to share with you, certain techniques or tips that you can do to help you deal with your emotions.
When living a difficult situation, sometimes we do not want to get out of bed to avoid facing what is happening; We would like to escape or think that everything has been a bad dream. We do not want to wake up! You may not stop crying or thinking about the pain you feel.
You may even think that nothing you do can change what you are living. In effect, there are situations that are beyond our control and the only thing that we can really control is how we handle it. You will ask, what can I do? What is the first step to take?
The following suggestions will help you to manage what you are confronting at this time of your life.
SUPPORT
Find support in others. It does not necessarily have to be a support group. It can be someone very close to you with whom you can talk openly about how you feel; It can be a friend or a relative. Remember that sharing does not mean staying stuck in the situation and just talking about it. If you feel too overwhelmed and think you need a guide or professional help, turn to a counselor who can offer you tools to help you process your emotions.
RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS
When facing a crisis, you can experience many emotions, from fear, to anger, sadness, frustration or despair. Learn to recognize them and process them yourself. Write the emotions on a piece of paper and then you can rip it up. You can also write in your journal to get it out of your heart and put it on paper.
MINDFULNESS
To process your emotions, you can also do a mindfulness exercise. Close your eyes, focus on your heart, and ask yourself …
What am I feeling? What makes me feel that way? What would I like to feel instead of …?
Immediately think of something that gives you that desired emotion and imagine it in a very vivid way. The mind is very powerful. By imagining something you can feel it in your body. That is what we call the mind-body connection.
USE YOUR MIND TO YOUR BENEFIT
Learn to fight your negative thoughts. What we think has a great influence on how we feel and according to how we feel, we act. If in your mind you harbor thoughts of hopelessness, remember moments in your life in which you thought that things would not improve and over time it was different. You can also think: I am able to handle this situation. Being able to handle your thoughts and feel different gives you a great feeling of empowerment. You’ll feel that you are not a victim of external factors, because internally you possess wonderful resources to change your mood.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
If you know my system The 11 Principles of Transformation® you will recognize that this is the sixth principle. Keep in mind that it is important not to neglect yourself. Although you may not feel like taking care of yourself, in times of stress the immune system is suppressed and it is necessary to be proactive: eat healthy (avoid abusing alcohol to forget or feel better); Do physical exercise if your health allows it, since it helps to generate endorphins and give you a sense of well-being.
Feed your spirit with moments of silence, meditation, or prayer.
Remember, you may not be able to change the situation or event, but you can change how you handle it. Everything is in you. Believe in your ability of handling things. Have faith in yourself.
And if you believe in God … Have faith in God.
Contact Ligia to schedule an appointment.
by Ligia Houben | Jun 10, 2018 | Blog US
According to the famous suicidologist, Edwin Schneidman, suicide happens when a person is experiencing psychache (psychological pain) which is impossible to bear. In his seminal work, Definition of Suicide, Schneidman stated that the most common emotion a person who is contemplating suicide experiences is hopelessness-helplessness. Taking this valuable information into consideration, we can take a closer look at what is happening in our society. Based on a recent study of the Centers for Disease and Prevention in Atlanta, in the last two decades suicide has increased more than 30%. Moreover, in The Last Dance. Encountering Death and Dying, the textbook I used when I taught Death and Dying at Florida International University, it shows that in 2005 there were almost 30,000 suicides a year in the United States. In 2016 the CDC shows there were nearly 45,000 deaths. These statistics show an increase of 50% in 11 years. What is provoking this increase? Who is dying from suicide and how can we prevent it?
This topic is getting a lot of attention after the unfortunate deaths from suicide of two famous people this past week- Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. These tragic incidents have promoted discussion about the causes of why people would take their own lives.
The CDC report shows us that suicide not only happens when the person suffers from a mental health condition. It may occur when the person doesn’t possess the necessary life skills to help them deal with stressful life events such as financial difficulties, job loss, and health issues among others. In older adults, the fact of growing older can also be a cause of suicide. Furthermore, it is increasing among middle-aged men as Martin Daubney points out in his article, Why does no one care when boys fail at school, and middle-aged men kill themselves? Daubney mentions a study in the UK that shows a 40% increase in suicide among middle-aged men in the last five years. In the United States, the highest suicide rate (19.72%) is among adults (45-54 years of age).
It is important to know that suicide is happening on a significant scale and it’s necessary we start having the conversation openly, so we can focus on prevention and awareness. In the seminars I impart nationwide on Transforming Grief and Loss. Strategies For Your Clients To Heal The Past, Change The Present and Transform The Future, we talk about how to build resilience, and suicide is always central to our discussion. Experiencing the loss of purpose and meaning, seems to be a major factor to lose hope for a future, and find suicide as the only way to end a life that is not fulfilling.
Let’s keep in mind that not only adults die from ending their lives, but also adolescents and children. Among the leading causes there seem to be a change of schools, peer pressure, and bullying (Grim, 2012). In a recent seminar, a counselor at a university shared with us that 40% of her clients have suicidal ideation.
How can we help
If you know someone who is suicidal, always validate their emotions. Remember that for them the pain is too vast to handle, and suicide is their only way out. Allow them to talk to you about how they feel instead of diverting the conversation (e.g., you’ll be OK!) and provide support. Please remember not to say others have it worse. Sometimes while trying to help, people make those comments, and they do not help much. Instead, provide information about hotlines and direct them to a professional who can help them find ways to cope with their life stressors.
Warning Signs
- Changes in personality or behavior
- Giving away possessions
- Talking about killing themselves or the desire to die
- Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
- Isolation
- Using alcohol or drugs
Risk Factors
- Feelings or hopelessness
- Mental disorders
- Health issues
- Previous ideation or attempts
- Substance abuse
- Financial losses
- Relationship problems
- Job loss
- Isolation and lack of resources
- Loss of a loved one
- Lack of purpose or meaning
- Fear of aging
- Lack of coping skills
- History of aggression
Lastly, let’s all keep in mind that understanding what may provoke someone to die from suicide can help increase awareness, participate in suicide prevention, and have an open and compassionate conversation.
Resources
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/
Lenaars, Antoon A. Edwin S. Shneidman on Suicide. Suicidology Online 2010; 1:5-18. http://www.suicidology-online.com/pdf/SOL-2010-1-5-18.pdf
Schneidman, Edwin. PhD (1977). Definition of Suicide. Jason Aronson, Inc.: New York, NY.
Grimm, Joe, Ed. (2012). The New Bullying-How social media, social exclusion, laws and suicide have changed our definition of bullying, and what to do about it: Read the Spirit Books and Imprint of David Crumme Media, LLC.: Canton, MA
DeSpelder, Lynne Ann and Albert Lee Strickland (2005). The Last Dance. McGrawHill: New York, NY
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/11966292/Why-does-no-one-care-when-boys-fail-at-school-and-middle-aged-men-kill-themselves.html
