Human Beings Can Alter Their Lives by Altering Their Attitude
-William James
Our attitude is the disposition we have regarding a situation, a person, or life in general. We can have a positive or negative attitude, and this is based on our choice. Nobody is born with an attitude…this is created, developed, and maintained.
If we have a positive attitude we tend to be hopeful, joyful, and focus on solutions. Our thoughts are empowering, creative, and loving.
If we have a negative attitude, we tend to be fearful, bitter and focused on problems. Our attitude can make the difference between staying in bed feeling sorry for ourselves or standing up facing the world with self-assurance.
It may not be easy….but our attitude makes it possible!
Are you aware of the attitude you have in life?
Do you tend to see things in a positive manner (despite encountering difficulties or facing losses) or do you have a negative filter?
Is your focus of attention on problems or do you focus on solutions?
Some time ago, I did the presentation “Your Aptitude Reflects Your Attitude” to an organization that works with the aging population. On this occasion, I told my group to pay attention to how they answered the phone when talking with older adults because our attitude is reflected even in our voice. If they perceived irritation or impatience, most likely they will not call again. Nobody likes to feel unappreciated. If we expect to be treated well, treat others well.
Our attitude has a great effect on people we deal with, but most importantly, it has a enormous effect on ourselves. If we have a good attitude we face situations expecting a beneficial outcome, with power and determination. If we have a negative attitude we face situations with the expectation of encountering problems, and we get annoyed or irritated.
How can our attitude help us when we face a loss? By choosing between being reacting to being responsive. As Zig Ziglar said “It is not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you that makes a difference in your life.” These words give us the freedom to choose. They give us the possibility of becoming a survivor instead of a victim. We may feel sad, still, we feel empowered. We may have pain in our hearts, still have determination in our will. We may long for the loss, still know we are able to embrace life again.
If you suffer, from time to time, of a negative attitude, start doing this exercise to change it:
Sit tall, with your shoulders back and your head erect. Put your smile in your face (even if it is a slight one)and think:
I am able to face this situation. I am able to handle any difficulty I may encounter.
If you want to really feel the difference it makes our body posture, get into a “bad attitude” posture: slump your shoulders, drop your head, and frown your forehead. Do you notice the difference?
Another element that influences our attitude is our inner conversation. Choose messages that expand you, instead of limiting you. The reality is that we are the product of our thoughts.
Now, take a moment to reflect on these three questions. If you are not satisfied with the answer….Change your attitude!
· Which attitude do you choose in life?
· Are you a victim or a survivor?
· Do you dwell on past losses or design a brighter future?
If you responded, you
are not, let me tell you that…we are all writers.
Every single day we
write a page in the book of our lives.
In this article, I want to bring to your
awareness how important it is to pay attention to the actions we take, and we
do not take. As you evaluate the
different areas of your life, take a pause and think:
If I were to come up with a title for the book of my life, what would be the title?
If you want to connect
with your real self at a very deep level, I invite you to start writing a book
about your life. As in all books, you can start by writing the outline to give
you an idea what is important to you. For the prologue, you could ask someone
who knows you very well, to write about you (virtues and defects), and your
life. You want someone who would be
totally honest. You can take it!
Now, you may wonder
how to divide the other parts of the book. Would you go by sections or by
chapters?
What about if you
divide the different sections based on the different dimensions: Physical, social, emotional, and
spiritual? Keep in mind each dimension
has sub-dimensions. How would you consider yourself to be emotionally? How
stable are you? How fulfilled? How happy? Write about the emotions you feel on
a regular basis, and what makes you feel and experience those emotions.
Evaluate the sources of your happiness or the sources of your grief or
frustration. Remember the book is a work
in progress.
What about the
physical dimension? You could divide it
into chapters. You could write about
your health and your lifestyle; exercise; eating habits, and sleeping habits.
Now, let’s explore your social section. You could write different chapters as
well: Your romantic life; interaction
with friends, family, colleagues, even with strangers. Do you pay attention to the needs of others? How real is your relationship with others in
the world?
What about writing a
chapter about your professional life? A
chapter about what you do. Do you love
it or dislike it? Is it your passion? If not, what would you like to do? You can write another chapter about your
finances! How do you manage them?
Finally, what about
your spiritual dimension? In this
section, you could write three different chapters: forgiveness, gratitude, and
love.
Are you easy to
forgive or do you keep grudges in your heart?
Furthermore, do you forgive yourself or do you act as your harshest
judge?
What about gratitude?
Are you grateful? Can you embrace
gratitude even at times when you face huge challenges?
And….what place has
love in your life? Write this chapter
with…all your heart! Do you love
yourself and love others? I am not just
talking about romantic love. I am
talking about the love that comes from the inside out and expands to the rest
of humanity. Keep in mind that… it all
starts with us, as we cannot give what we do not have.
Do you think you can
write this book? Well, remember that you
are already writing it and have written many pages… But, do you know what the
beauty is? You can re-write some of the
content in some of those pages. Then,
when someone picks up the book that is about your life and they start reading
those pages, they will think: This is an amazing writer! I am learning so much about this author who
has so much awareness! I am learning
from his mistakes, and he is inspiring me to be the best that I can be.
It is up to you, how
you want to touch the life of someone when they pick up the book.
We know the tittle of
a book is important, and choose it wisely.
However, what is most
valuable is the content.
We all have a book inside of us, and in case you doubted…You are a Writer!
Whatever you want to achieve in life…follow your dream. Remember to think big, and you will be able to transform your life.
Nothing can stop you but your own mind. Napoleon Hill, in his seminal work, Think and Grow Rich stated: “What the mind can conceive, it can achieve. ” It all starts with having the desire to make it happen.
Martin Luther King said, “I have a Dream” and he carried it on….
So, what is your contribution to this world? How can you become a better person? What is your dream?
Imagine it! Cherish it! See it in your mind and feel it in your heart!
If you face obstacles, do not dismay. Do not allow people to discourage you.
Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your dream, and cheer you up.
People who “coach” you through tough times and cherish your wins. Even small wins count!
Achieving a dream is a process (just like the grieving process); it may take time, but it does not matter. Start taking the first step today.
Even if you are facing a crisis, a difficult time or a loss. You can still dream for a better life because…there is life after a loss, and it is precious.
So, what do you need in order to follow your dream? I have found these values to be of great help:
•Desire (to make it happen!)
•Believe in yourself
•Perseverance
•Self-discipline
•Self-confidence
•Having a high intention (something bigger than you)
•Resilience during challenging times
•Being optimistic
•Being flexible
•Being fearless
So, do not wait for better times to pursue your dream. The time is now!
Your life is finite, and you do not want to waste more time in dreaming what you wish you could be, do, or give.
I wrote this article after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, which happened very close to each other in June 2018. After reading the sad news about the suicide of the Olympic cyclist Kelly Catlin, I wanted to repost it again. The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that every 40 seconds a person dies due to suicide. Death by suicide is epidemic and it is important to talk about it and to look for help when it is needed.
According to the famous suicidologist, Edwin Schneidman, suicide happens when a person is experiencing psychache (psychological pain) which is impossible to bear. In his seminal work, Definition of Suicide, Schneidman stated that the most common emotion a person who is contemplating suicide experiences is hopelessness-helplessness. Taking this valuable information into consideration, we can take a closer and look at what is happening in our society. Based on a recent study of the Centers for Disease and Prevention in Atlanta, in the last two decades suicide has increased more than 30%. Moreover, in The Last Dance, the textbook I used when I taught Death and Dying at Florida International University, it shows that in 2005 there were almost 30,000 suicides a year in the United States. In 2016 the CDC shows there were nearly 45,000 deaths. These statistics show an increase of 50% in 11 years. What is provoking this increase? Who is dying from suicide and how can we prevent it?
This topic is getting a lot of attention after the unfortunate deaths from suicide of two famous people this past week, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. These tragic incidents have promoted discussion about the causes of why people would take their own lives.
The CDC report shows to us that suicide not only happens when the person suffers from a mental health condition. It may occur when the person doesn’t possess the necessary life skills to help them deal with stressful life events such as financial difficulties, job loss, and health issues among others. In older adults, the fact of growing older can also be a cause of suicide. Furthermore, it is increasing among middle-aged men as Martin Daubney points out in his article, Why does no one care when boys fail at school, and middle-aged men kill themselves? Daubney mentions a study in the UK that shows a 40% increase in suicide among middle-aged men in the last five years. In the United States, the highest suicide rate (19.72%) is among adults (45-54 years of age).
It is important to know that suicide is happening on a significant scale and it’s necessary we start having the conversation openly, so we can focus on prevention and awareness. In the seminars I impart nationwide on Transforming Grief and Loss. Helping Your Clients Through Major Life Transitions, where we talk about how to build resilience, suicide is always central to our discussion. Experiencing the loss of purpose and meaning, seems to be a major factor to lose hope for a future, and find suicide as the only way to end a life that is not fulfilling.
Let’s keep in mind that not only adults die from ending their lives, but also adolescents and children. Among the leading causes seem to be a change of schools, peer pressure, and bullying (Grim, 2012). In a recent seminar, a counselor at a university shared with us that 40% of her clients have suicidal ideation.
How can we help
If you know someone who is suicidal, always validate their emotions. Remember that for them their pain may be too huge to handle, and suicide is their only way out. Allow them to talk to you about how they feel instead of diverting the conversation (e.g., you’ll be OK!), and provide support. Please remember not to say others have it worst. Sometimes trying to help, people make those comments, and they do not help much. Instead, provide information about hotlines and direct them to a professional that can help them find ways to cope with their life stressors.
Warning Signs
1. Changes in personality or behavior
2. Giving away possessions
3. Talking about killing themselves or the desire to die
4. Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
5. Isolation
6. Using alcohol or drugs
Risk Factors
1. Feelings or hopelessness
2. Mental disorders
3. Health issues
4. Previous ideation or attempts
5. Substance abuse
6. Financial losses
7. Relationship problems
8. Job loss
9. Isolation and lack of resources
10. Loss of a loved one
11. Lack of purpose or meaning
12. Fear of aging
13. Lack of coping skills
14. History of aggression
Lastly, let’s all keep in mind that understanding what may provoke someone to die from suicide can help increase awareness, participate in suicide prevention, and have an open and compassionate conversation.
Schneidman, Edwin. PhD (1977). Definition of Suicide. Jason Aronson, Inc.: New York, NY.
Grimm, Joe, Ed. (2012). The New Bullying-How social media, social exclusion, laws and suicide have changed our definition of bullying, and what to do about it: Read the Spirit Books and Imprint of David Crumme Media, LLC.: Canton, MA
DeSpelder, Lynne Ann and Albert Lee Strickland (2005). The Last Dance. McGrawHill: New York, NY
Are you in touch with your inner self? Do you know what your values, needs, and fears are?
Do you live according to the things that are meaningful to you?
We live in a constantly changing world. We are exposed to new ideas and concepts on a regular basis. We are actually information overloaded! How do you process all this? How do you know you are making the right choices? How do you know you are living a life that resonates with whom you really are?
This message is an exploration of the different messages we receive and how we deal with them. As many of you know, I like to see the human being in a holistic manner. Therefore, we will take a look at our different dimensions. We will start with the physical.
What is healthier? What kind of exercise should we do? How often? Should we eat red meat or become vegetarians? Do we take time to rest? Do we take time for leisure? Are we satisfied with our lifestyle?
What about the social dimension? What is most important? Our work? Our friends? What about social media? Do we need to have a Facebook page? A twitter account? What if you are a professional? Should you have your profile on LinkedIn? How do we communicate better? Is it through texting or making a phone call? Are you communicating at a deep level or you have lost that connection?
Now, let’s explore our emotional dimension. Is it possible to be happy? Does the same concept of happiness apply to everybody? What about grief? Do we all grieve the same? What helps? Does grief counseling help? What about self-help books? What about support groups? Do they work?
Are you carrying pain in your heart that prevents you from becoming the person you want to be?
What about the spiritual dimension? How does praying help? What about meditation? Does it give us personal fulfillment? Is there a difference between spirituality and religion? Can we be spiritual without being religious? Are we nourishing our spirits on a daily basis? Are we exercising our souls, as much as our bodies?
We may have all these messages and different perspectives on how to live our lives…and we may be confused. Still, something we need to be clear about is, knowing who we are, and how to live a life with meaning.
So, I ask you….who are you? What are your values? What is important to you? What inspires you? What motivates you? What displeases you? Do you live according to your values?
Our fulfillment and joy resides in knowing who we are, and living according to our purpose and values. Still, if you are slightly confused in this area, I suggest you take a piece of paper and, on the top of the page write Who am I? Open your heart and open your mind, and write. Do not be afraid. Connect with your real essence and you will discover that, the answers to live a life with purpose, have always resided within you.
