by Ligia Houben | Sep 18, 2020 | Blog US
Grief is a personal experience. Because we are unique human beings, our grief is unique.
Although we may think we know what the other person is feeling, we do not. Grief is very subjective and we can only understand or empathize, but we cannot really know what they are experiencing internally. What happens when the bereaved is your loved one?
What can you say? What can you do to make them feel better?
When we deal with our own grief, we may know what helps us or what to do to process it. In the case of another person, we may tell them what has helped us and what may help them, but we cannot do it for them. They have to go through their own process and during that time is when your own grief becomes real. It hurts you to see them grieving. You may feel impotent as you are not able to take the pain away from your loved one; it becomes heavy because it adds extra pain to yours; You may become impatient when you lack the understanding of their grief; and, finally, you may humble yourself when you realize you do not have the power to make it disappear.
You can only be present with love, compassion, empathy, patience, and hope.
As you transform your loss, you transform your life.
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Jul 7, 2020 | Blog US
I understand you, if when you want to say her name, you feel like a lump in your throat.
I understand you, when you look at the phone, thinking that you are going to receive a message from her.
I understand you, when you feel that weight in your soul, when realizing that she is not by your side
I understand you, when suddenly for no reason you start crying
I understand you, if you avoid going home so you do not have to face the emptiness
I understand you, if at nightfall you need a good night kiss
I understand you, if at the beginning of the day you need to say that prayer
I understand you, if sometimes you wonder who you are now
I understand you, if the emptiness you feel inside, you feel it physically
I understand you, if in the middle of a conversation a memory comes to you, and a tear comes out
I understand you, if when visiting places, you frequented together, you feel your heart jumping
I understand you, if suddenly you get a feeling of being numb, and you feel floating
I understand you, if you want to turn back time, and even if it was just one more time, receive her hug
I understand you…
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Jun 14, 2020 | Blog US
I understand that facing the death of a loved one is not easy, because we miss that person every day. But remember that even if this person is not physically present, their memories will always live on. We can transform the relationship we had with that departed person, since the bonds of love will continue after they have passed from this life. Although these ties are invisible, they are as precious as gold. These bonds with our loved ones can inspire us to forge a life with a higher purpose and greater meaning. But to endure a loss of great magnitude we must be compassionate with ourselves and allow ourselves time to suffer and grieve. The tears and comforting conversations are necessary. There is no defined time for processing our grief. We each process grief at our own pace.
Ligia M. Houben
Transform Your Loss. Your Guide to Strength and Hope.
Don’t tell me to move one.
Don’t tell me she is in a better place.
Don’t tell me she lived a long life.
Don’t tell me she would like to see me happy.
Don’t tell me to be strong.
Don’t try to console me.
Let me be with my grief. It is a sacred place, as I am grieving so much, because I loved my mother so much.
Her love will remain in my heart next to my father. I know it will be a time when my suffering will be transformed into the most beautiful spiritual experience. I know this because that is what I want to happen.
However, right now, I want to be here. Still, in silence. One with my pain and my beloved mother’s memories. I want to be fully present to my pain because I know it will be the only way to release the suffering.
I said in my book, Transform Your Loss. Your Guide to Strength and Hope, that we learn to live with our loss.
It is not a matter to forget or move on…it is a matter of moving forward with my beloved mother’s love, her inspiration, her joy, and her faith, in my heart.
For now…let me be still.
Ligia M. Houben
by Ligia Houben | Oct 4, 2018 | Blog US
When we are consumed by grief, we may feel we are the only persons hurting, and we may not notice the pain of others. Furthermore, we may be so blinded by our grief that we may say or do things that are hurting people we love.
If this has happened to you…do not feel ashamed, it happens to all of us. What matters the most is to be aware we are doing it and stop it at once.
Hurting others do not alleviate our own pain. It may even make it greater.
If you have hurt someone due to the pain you are experiencing, recognize it and ask for forgiveness. Yes, be humble and recognize your mistake, because it is a mistake to hurt the people we love. The moment we are able to enter the worldview of others we will be able to develop compassion and understanding. We will be able to leave our own pain aside and embrace the pain of our beloved one.
If we are proud and stay in a place of not admitting we were wrong, we will find ourselves in a cycle of hurt, pain, resentment, and more pain. At the end, you are not only hurting the other person; you are hurting yourself.
Some people choose not to say “I am sorry” out of their pride. They wait for the other person to say it first.
What about if the other person is in the same position?
Couples break-up, parents and children have dysfunctional relationships, and bosses and employees destroy relationships because of their pride.
Therefore, next time you feel you are the only person hurting, take a closer look at the person next to you. It has been said that if we leave our pain aside and understand the pain of others…our pain becomes lighter.
As you transform your loss, you transform your life!
Ligia M. Houben, MA, FT, CGC, CPC
